Focusing on Myself by Grace

Focusing on Myself by Grace - July 2024 Scholarship Essay

I remember the feeling of dread that washed over me each time I heard the buzz of my phone late at night. I remember how sweaty my fingers got, and how tense my body became. It would probably be him again. And it’ll probably be another night of having to listen to his antics and bear his insults.

The first half of my high school career was rough. There were plenty of reasons to feel stressed and fatigued given that a year of remote learning had just ended and we were back on campus. But for myself, it was the people around me that weighed me down the most. I shared a class with this particular boy, and I remember just how worthless I felt around him. He was constantly sneering at my low grades, snatching the assignments from my hands and criticizing all my effort. His narcissism overwhelmed me, both in person and online, and it left me tiptoeing around each of our conversations so as to not anger him.

I really tried to be his friend. I really did. Being that we shared a desk, I thought it would benefit us to be friends and feel more comfortable in class. But every attempt was met with utter failure. When I asked about his academic goals, he bragged that he was smart enough to get into any prestigious college in California. When I shared my artwork in hopes of bonding over our shared interest in drawing, all he did was point out the “flaws” and carried on with his own art. He reached out to me online, and I felt forced to respond to him or else he would get infuriated and confront me in class. Those nights, consisting of his endless complaints about his friends and family, were also filled with my evergrowing anxiety and exhaustion of having to listen to him.

Many of his words scarred my mind, and it left me wondering if anything he said was correct. But deep inside me was a determination that did not let me wait for an answer. When we no longer shared classes and went our separate ways, I finally felt that I could focus on the goals and interests that he tried to shove down. I became president of the art magazine club and vice president of the National Art Honors Society. I spent my time researching art opportunities for club members and encouraging them to submit artwork that would be part of the magazine that we were publishing. I continued to study and always aimed to improve my grades with every assignment. I faced plenty of mental fatigue along the way, but thanks to the supportive friends I was now surrounded by, my focus always returned to doing my best.

This year, when I was offered admission into one of the top public schools in the nation, it felt like a true reward for staying passionate for what I valued. I wish I could’ve directly told my younger, humiliated self to not dwell on the cruel words of that boy. But regardless, I felt that I truly learned the lesson to stay focused on myself even if those around me don't approve.

Admittedly, I would sometimes think about where the boy was now, and how he may have changed since meeting him in that classroom. Recently, a friend told me that he had been rejected from every college that he had applied to, including the ones where he bragged about being able to get in easily. When I think back to each of our conversations, I realized how he had never focused on excelling in his academics and hobbies, only taking time to criticize those around him. I became all the more relieved that I never let his words consume me. The words that belonged to a boy who continuously chose the wrong things to focus on.

The most important lesson I learned this year took several bad experiences to understand, making it all the more vital to cherish it moving forward. When it feels like the world is against me, I have to remember to bring my focus back to myself. I have to focus on what I can control, which are my own skills and what I can accomplish with them. If I hold on to the strength and burning passion that has brought me this far, then surely I can continue moving forward.